He knows.

So I'm not gonna lie, I was super overwhelmed by the out-pour of love and support from my last post. I honestly didn't expect very many people to read it, but tons of people did and I am so surprised! I am so blessed to have so many people in my life that show me such love and support throughout my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I decided that I will probably never give myself the title of "blogger", but I think that if a topic or event comes up that seems worth sharing, I might as well share it because you never know who might need to read something. Maybe I can help people grow from my posts or who knows, maybe I'll grow too. We shall see. :)
Now to the point of this post!

So lately I have been going through some things. They've been kind of hard on me and I've honestly felt kind of lost. I've had a pretty rough time and I just don't know why. Everything has just seemed to be going in slow motion in my life while everyone else's lives seem to be so great and happy and perfect. Which I know that nobody has a perfect life, but I'm a human being so I do compare myself a lot. Where am I going in life? What is my purpose? Why do I feel so stuck? Just WHY?! Pretty frustrating. I feel like I've just been going through the motions and not really feeling a whole lot of anything lately.

Well tonight I got back from hanging out with my friends and I see an envelope sitting on the couch. It's from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and it says patriarchal blessing on the front. For those of you not familiar with the LDS church, a patriarchal blessing is a blessing given to a worthy member of the church that is basically like a map for your life. It gives promised blessings that you will receive if you live a righteous life, and also gives guidance for your future. So when I saw the envelope I just thought to myself, "What? I already got mine back in high school. Why are they sending me another copy?" Well, I sat down and opened it, and to my surprise, it's my Grandpa Lusk's blessing.

A few months ago I was exploring lds.org and I came across a page where you can request the blessing of a deceased ancestor. I thought it would be really cool to read my grandpa's, so I requested it and then completely forgot about it after that day.

I started reading it and this wave of emotions just hit me like a freight train. For those of you who don't know, my grandpa and I were very close. He was the only father figure I had growing up, and man was he amazing. One of the greatest people I've ever known. He passed away in 2006 from pancreatic cancer. The hardest, most heartbreaking day I can remember. I love him very much.

So as I'm reading this blessing, I'm seeing all of the amazing things promised to him if he stayed on the path of righteousness. I also start realizing that literally every single thing he was blessed with happened for him in his life. What a life he lived! Literally a testimony right in front of my eyes that if you keep the commandments and follow the Lord wholeheartedly, you will be blessed with countless wonders in your life.

After I finished reading my grandpa's blessing, I got a strong feeling that I needed to read my own. Honestly, it had been a while since I had done that. I immediately went up to my room and pulled mine out and read it. It's amazing how different parts of your blessing stand out to you at different times in your life. It's almost like the parts that you really need to read are highlighted for you when you need that guidance. I can't begin to explain how big of a blessing it is to have my patriarchal blessing to read when I feel lost, or need to make a big decision. I had forgotten about that tool that I have been given until tonight.

I just want all of you to know that the Lord knows when we are struggling. He knows when our hearts are heavy with burdens and sorrows and He also knows exactly how He can help us, not only so we can get through it, but so we can learn and grow on the way. I know that my recent struggles are not over after tonight, but I do know that after reading my personal blessing and feeling that love and comfort from my Heavenly Father, I can make it through these struggles and grow closer to Him in the process. I am so thankful for that knowledge. I feel so much more at ease after tonight, and it is all thanks to my Heavenly Father who knows me personally and loves me so, so much. What an amazing feeling that is.

Coming Clean

Not many people know this, and it's something I've really tried to hide my entire life. I'm really trying hard to work on accepting my background, so here it goes: My dad is in prison. *gasps from the audience* He has been there for 21 years, and if you did your math, that's correct! My whole life. My last memory of him in person was when I was very young. I talked to him on a phone and we were separated by glass. This may come as a shocker to a lot of you because my go-to answer when my peers, and even some of my friends, would ask, "Where is your dad?" I'd say, "Oh, he lives in Arizona." Which is not a lie, I just failed to mention the part where he lives in a correctional facility there. 

This has been a constant struggle my whole life. I've grown up in Utah, where the vast majority of my friends have happy little LDS families and both a mom and a dad raising them. I didn't really have that. Back then, my mom was into drugs and partying with her friends so Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Heather, (and for a while, Aunt Katrina:) had the absolute pleasure of raising the coolest kid to ever live: ME. I don't have a single complaint about that. They worked so hard to make me feel loved and make sure that I had everything I needed and more, and I can never thank them enough for that. My mom has come SO FAR!!! She has been reactivated in the church for a while now and recently went through the temple to receive her endowments. Something I never thought would happen, but she certainly proved me wrong and I am insanely proud of her for it. 

So, as you all have probably guessed, I was super jealous of my friends. SO jealous! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED living with my grandparents. They are two of the most amazing people you could ever meet! My Grandpa was a great father figure while he was alive, and I'm so glad that I was able to be raised by such an amazing priesthood holder. 

It's just different. You have to be in a situation similar to mine to be able to understand. It was like there was something missing. And it's still missing.

When I was younger, I didn't really understand it. I just knew my dad wasn't there. It wasn't until I was about nine or ten that I finally asked my grandma about it. She told me everything, and that was that. I didn't ask about it again. My dad tried to call when I was younger but I was so young that it felt weird to be talking to a stranger.

When I was around sixteen years old (maybe 17.. possibly 18) I got a letter in the mail. It was from my dad, and in it he talked about how sorry he was for not being there for me. It was really long, and for the first time in my life, I felt a connection to my dad. I started writing him back and after a while of being pen pals, I gave him my number so we could talk on the phone. We have been talking ever since. It's hard to do years and years of catching up over a 20 minute phone call once a week, and sometimes once every other week, but it has been nice. It's good to know that after all this time he is still trying to have a relationship with me. 

So there you have it, Chasity Riquel Lusk comes from a weird, messed up family! I guess I have just kept it a secret for so long because I was scared of what people would think of me, and I also didn't want anyone to judge my mom or dad, because despite everything, I do love them both very much. This is such a hard thing to talk about! I can't believe I am putting it out for the world to see, but I think that this will help me. I wouldn't change anything if I had the chance. I was born into these circumstances for a reason, and I know that I wouldn't be the Chasity that I am today if it weren't for all of this. I love my weird, messed up family and I'm grateful for the experiences I've had up to this point. They have helped me become the person I am today.